AWAKENING

I joined the Gaia Centre book group this fall, and the first book we discussed was Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin. It was a non-fiction book about vision questing and how to go deep within and face the demons hiding in the shadows in order to be freed. This sounded very scary, yet I understood how it could be both pure torture and tremendously gratifying at the same time.
From my experience, going into the shadows was inevitable on the path to enlightenment, for the journey was about filling the body with light. Sooner or later, there would be no place left to hide, so the traumatic events in the dark, inner recesses would eventually have to be witnessed and honoured.
Vision questing was not to be entered into lightly, for without the right tools or facilitation, it could result in psychosis. But done properly, according to Plotkin, it could lead to profound insight that resulted in an awakening.
Preparing myself for the endeavour, I answered the two Grail Quest questions Plotkin noted, which were: what ails you, and who do you serve? What ailed me was that I was feeling small even though I knew I was big. And who did I serve - the tyrant who kept me small or the master who revelled in my magnificence? Hmmm.
As I walked the trail, I became aware of a glass ceiling hovering over my head - diminishing me. I kept yearning to be big but couldn't because this thing had me contained. I then had the sensation of a snake going up my spine and smashing right through it. What a release I felt - what an opening.
But something was missing. I couldn't sustain the feeling, so with my mentor's guidance, I began a vision quest. Taking a blanket outside, I went to a point of land overlooking the water and began fasting. The day was pleasant but uneventful. Night approached and I combed my mind trying to free myself from whatever tyrant it was that was limiting me. But there was nothing; my mind was as blank as the starless night. I chanted, danced, lamented, cried out, and rationalized, yet still had no great realization. As dawn broke, I took my blanket down to the water's edge and asked for my insight to arise with the sun.
Instead, my husband came over with a cup of tea and we talked about what I was hoping to accomplish. While out walking on the trail afterwards, and thinking about just that, I got the gift I so desperately wanted. It wasn't earth shattering; I wasn't presented with winning lottery numbers or some great invention to uplift humanity. The phrase that stopped me in my tracks was: You already are who you want to be.
I stood there and felt those words resonate in my bones. My back straightened and I smiled slowly and broadly knowing I had just had my awakening. What I realized was, I already was big, but I'd been crouching under the glass ceiling and hiding there for so long that I'd totally forgotten I could stand up and walk tall.

The glass ceiling, put there by my mind, was now dismantled by it.

A few days later, however, I found myself crouching down and hiding again. This upset me tremendously, for I thought my awareness of the problem had destroyed it – taken all the energy out of it. But that glass ceiling kept reappearing. Then I remembered a hard won lesson - everything is a process. The excitement of the discovery had roused me to stand up, but after a bit, it wore off and I was back in the old energy.
Determined to walk tall, I persisted in retraining my thoughts. For I knew the more I returned to the higher plane of understanding, the more comfortable I'd be with it, and the quicker it would become my natural way.
I already am who I want to be. The hard work in waking up to that knowing was certainly, I must say, worth the anguish.
Struggle and emerge!