AWAKENING

I joined the Gaia Centre book group this fall, and the first book we discussed was Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin. It was a non-fiction book about vision questing and how to go deep within and face the demons hiding in the shadows in order to be freed. This sounded very scary, yet I understood how it could be both pure torture and tremendously gratifying at the same time.
From my experience, going into the shadows was inevitable on the path to enlightenment, for the journey was about filling the body with light. Sooner or later, there would be no place left to hide, so the traumatic events in the dark, inner recesses would eventually have to be witnessed and honoured.
Vision questing was not to be entered into lightly, for without the right tools or facilitation, it could result in psychosis. But done properly, according to Plotkin, it could lead to profound insight that resulted in an awakening.
Preparing myself for the endeavour, I answered the two Grail Quest questions Plotkin noted, which were: what ails you, and who do you serve? What ailed me was that I was feeling small even though I knew I was big. And who did I serve - the tyrant who kept me small or the master who revelled in my magnificence? Hmmm.
As I walked the trail, I became aware of a glass ceiling hovering over my head - diminishing me. I kept yearning to be big but couldn't because this thing had me contained. I then had the sensation of a snake going up my spine and smashing right through it. What a release I felt - what an opening.
But something was missing. I couldn't sustain the feeling, so with my mentor's guidance, I began a vision quest. Taking a blanket outside, I went to a point of land overlooking the water and began fasting. The day was pleasant but uneventful. Night approached and I combed my mind trying to free myself from whatever tyrant it was that was limiting me. But there was nothing; my mind was as blank as the starless night. I chanted, danced, lamented, cried out, and rationalized, yet still had no great realization. As dawn broke, I took my blanket down to the water's edge and asked for my insight to arise with the sun.
Instead, my husband came over with a cup of tea and we talked about what I was hoping to accomplish. While out walking on the trail afterwards, and thinking about just that, I got the gift I so desperately wanted. It wasn't earth shattering; I wasn't presented with winning lottery numbers or some great invention to uplift humanity. The phrase that stopped me in my tracks was: You already are who you want to be.
I stood there and felt those words resonate in my bones. My back straightened and I smiled slowly and broadly knowing I had just had my awakening. What I realized was, I already was big, but I'd been crouching under the glass ceiling and hiding there for so long that I'd totally forgotten I could stand up and walk tall.

The glass ceiling, put there by my mind, was now dismantled by it.

A few days later, however, I found myself crouching down and hiding again. This upset me tremendously, for I thought my awareness of the problem had destroyed it – taken all the energy out of it. But that glass ceiling kept reappearing. Then I remembered a hard won lesson - everything is a process. The excitement of the discovery had roused me to stand up, but after a bit, it wore off and I was back in the old energy.
Determined to walk tall, I persisted in retraining my thoughts. For I knew the more I returned to the higher plane of understanding, the more comfortable I'd be with it, and the quicker it would become my natural way.
I already am who I want to be. The hard work in waking up to that knowing was certainly, I must say, worth the anguish.
Struggle and emerge!

HEART OF GOLD

My son's friends were married recently, and we were invited to attend the celebration. Magda and Andreas have spent so much time with us here at the lake over the years, they've become like family.
The wedding took place in the Niagara area, and we made a weekend of it since our three kids and their families were invited as well. This was nice since we don't all live in the same area and have a chance to be together often. It rained most of the weekend, but we made the most of it by bowling and just hanging out. It was fun.

The groomsmen met us at the majestic church with umbrellas, and as we settled in the storm outside was quickly forgotten. The stained glass windows were glorious with their height and colour. They depicted various stories, and I noticed that all the people had golden auras emanating from their heads. The wedding party was elegant, the acoustics sublime and the priest was quite funny. It was a memorable ceremony.
The reception took place at a vineyard and the room was warm and intimate. The master of ceremonies kept things rolling through the speeches and presentations and the meal was plentiful. And then it was time for the father-of-the-bride's speech, and his love for his daughter was obvious from the words he chose. His memories were of good times and bad and of a relationship that had matured from father/daughter to one of mutual respect. And then they danced.

And then I cried.
I went to the washroom and sat there feeling so sad and alone, longing to hear those words and feeling that love from my own father. But he died young, and that wound ached so bad. I tried to tell myself that Richard wasn't only speaking to Magda; this father was speaking to all daughters, including me. Sobbing, with my face in my hands, I saw my dad smiling at me and I began to calm down. And then I remembered a quote a student had given me: Refuse to be seduced by what is past and over, and what cannot be changed. Remember: more important than what is BEHIND you and what is AHEAD of you is what is IN you.
And I began to let go of the hurt. My mind raced around the memories of the past and future and finally halted on what was within. Lifting my head and straightening my spine, I felt tremendous pressure around my heart. I couldn't tell if it was clenching or releasing. And then the words heart of gold came to mind, and I knew the discomfort was coming from a very tight muscle being relaxed after a very, very long time.

More important than what is BEHIND you and what is AHEAD of you is what is IN you. What was in me was a heart of gold. It had always been there, but I had allowed myself to be seduced into thinking that holding onto those old memories that couldn't be changed was more important than living with an open, loving heart – a heart of gold.
Then I remembered the stained glass windows and the gold emanating from the holy men and women and I felt a unity with them, a belonging to this great, vast universe. Maybe that was what they were trying to show us, maybe that was what all religious stories were trying to teach us: refuse to be seduced away from your true nature; instead, embrace your heart of gold and let it light the way.
And so as Magda and Andreas start their new life together and get tugged at by all the seducers out there, I hope they never forget the love in the room that first day, and know it will always be there to nurture what is most important in them.